This Friday evening at 7 p.m., there is only one safe place in the city of Austin to be: Aviary Lounge. We mean it. Sure, we’re celebrating our first anniversary with booze and that gives us a powerful reason to entice you to show up and party like there’s no tomorrow, but we looked at our Olde Farmer’s Apocalpytick Almanack, and after Friday, there really is no tomorrow.
Because we love you, we are turning Aviary into a safe Noah’s Ark for cool people. Here’s a list of all the ways we will keep you alive on Friday night:
- Everyone will be wearing a costume. This will confuse the zombies, as they won’t be able to tell real, tasty humans in disguise from inedible beings like Lady Gaga and the cast of Jersey Shore. There will be prizes for the best costume. The worst costume will get you eaten. Come prepared to compete.
- Bottles of wine are $10 cheaper. Bottles make handy weapons in a zombie fight. Bashing their heads in works, but — little known fact — so does rolling them at their feet! Zombies are clumsy.
- Quilmes is $3, Dogfish 90 is $5, and Wells Bombardier is $6. Beer bottles aren’t as effective as wine bottles, so these deals aren’t really to arm you with weapons. The reason we’re having such crazy good prices on insanely good beer is that it’s easier to deal with being attacked by carnivorous corpses when you’re sauced.
- DJ Boris will be spinning tunes. We encourage you to dance. Contrary to Michael Jackson’s opinion, zombies hate dancing. Like we said, they’re very clumsy, and dancing reminds them of how awkward they felt in 7th grade, when Suzanna Schissler refused to kiss them under the bleachers because she met a boy who could breakdance.
- Our usual delicious nibbles will be there for adult trick-or-treaters. Zombies have underdeveloped palates, so fine cheeses, meats and pates will confuse them. “You want brains, dead-head? How about some goose liver! Ha ha!” And then they run away. Well, shuffle away.
Those who come and take advantage of our various protections will be guaranteed survival and a chance to repopulate the human race. Those who don’t come … well … it will suck when we have to shoot you in the head.
PS – Know that the robots have sent the zombies as a distraction. We may win the battle, but the robots are prepared for war. Extra points to anyone who double-covers their ass by coming dressed as a robot.